Digging deep really hurts.

It feels like thorns pressing into my chest. it's so heavy all i want to do is cry.

what is it?

it's me.

it's everything i don't like about myself. it's everything i compare myself to. it's my desire to be someone else.

it's body image.

I wish so badly that i could be happy with the girl God created me to be, that i would be able to love and accept the body he placed me in. but i can't. i'm reading a really great book right now for my girls bible study and though it is a very good, though provoking book, i am having a hard time turning the pages. the chapter i'm on gets in to the deeper stuff, the body image stuff. it feels like i need support to lift my hand up just to turn the page. that's how hard it is for me to face these deep rooted issues.

on a daily basis i don't think too much about the fact that i really do deal with this stuff. i know that 24/7 my mind is constantly comparing myself to any girl around me but rarely do i ever really stop and "think" about it all. i don't think about it for a reason. it really hurts.

after each section in the book the author asks the reader to thank God for certain things, or pray to him about a specific subject. she said; "thank God for the person he created you to be." i set the book down, closed my eyes, and i couldn't. i just couldn't thank him. how can you thank someone for something you don't like?

i feel so sick, so disgusted after reading this chapter. maybe it's because this is all to serious for me, to painful. though i want to be happy with myself, it truly kills me to try and get better. it all just makes me so sick to my stomach. i'm really at a loss for words or where to even begin to come to an okay place with myself.

WE are ONE

As the third week of my new job is coming to a close i am in awe at all that i have learned in such a short amount of time. i knew going into this job i was going to be working with low income families, maybe not in the best of situations. i did not, however, know i would be going out into the community and witnessing a completely different way of life. a homeless way of life.

a big part of my job is to "recrute" families into our program. this means utilizing my resources and finding families in need of our services. so, on monday my co-worker and i went to the housing authority in SLO for low income housing. we just went to post a flyer in the office. what we didn't know was that we were going to meet a girl who would change our hearts. she was in their with her social worker hoping to find housing for herself and her 5 children all under the age of 9. this 28 year old girl starting talking to us about early head start. so..we started the application process for her two youngest children. to complete an app we need some documents so my co-worker set up a time to meet her at her house to get what we needed. she was staying at a motel 6....the next day my co-worker returned to the office with the bad news that when she arrived at the motel our girl wasn't there. bummer...we lost her. or did we? at the end of the day my co-worker decided to stop by the homeless shelter after work. who did she find!? that's right...our girl...and her kids!

on wednesday we went to the prado day center (also funded by CAPSLO) to meet up with our girl. we got some more information from her and she was really excited to see us! she let us know that she was able to get housing but can't move in until Oct. 21st. so...homeless life is what she will be living for the next few weeks. i met up with her later in the day to take her and her kids some subway. she was so sweet and hugged me and thanked me for coming. i will be checking up on her over the next few weeks..

i don't think i have ever met someone as strong as this girl. she is hiding her and her kids from their abusive father. she is doing the best she can with what she has and i admire her so much. she knows and believes that things will get better and she is ready to do whatever it takes to keep her kids safe. in my eyes, she wins for mom of the year.

knowing that i work for such a wonderful company is such a blessing. i honestly had no idea of all the wonderful things CAPSLO does for the community. and now, i get to be a part of that! we try our best to serve those in need on the central coast..but their is only so much we can do. the prado day center and homeless center are amazing but need so much help at the same time. it's not the cleanest of places and the help is few and far between. God was tugging on my heart yesterday.. pretty hard i might add. i think seeing the old man in the wheel chair is what tugged my heart the hardest. no one should have to be homeless...but an old man!? no way...not okay with me.

WE are all ONE and we need to take care of eachother. count your blessings if you live under a roof, have a bed, or even just a blanket! we need to help eachother out. their is too much poverty in this world...so love your neighbor! i know where i will be this thanksgiving.. where will you be?

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

The other day I was watching the Tyra show. Yes, I really just admitted that. So, forget the Tyra part because the topic was really eye opening and sad. She had three young girls on the show with their moms. Each girl was under the age of 15, the youngest being 9. Each girl had one thing in common..... They hated themselves. When I say hated themselves, I mean that they were disgusted by their outer appearances. She had each girl pick a part a photo of themselves. They wrote things like "monster" "ugly" "fat" and other hurtful words. The youngest of the three girls was the saddest to watch. She was 9 and so cute! She had short blonde hair and a rounder but sweet face. She thought of herself as a monster and would skip meals in hopes of making her cheeks smaller. It was so sad.

So, this segment really made me think about how abnormal it is that girls everywhere are hating themselves. I thought about all the things I deal with as a girl. How I hate my arms, feel too fat, wish I had better skin, and the list goes on. I thought, well that's different..I'm 23, I'm supposed to hate those things about myself...it's just what women do. So then I started to think back to when I was younger. Did I have those same thoughts then? Was I just like these little girls? The truth is, in some ways I was. I never thought of myself as a monster but I know their were things I didn't like but it was never as bad as that little 9 year old girl. I don't understand what makes girls and women hate themselves so much!? It shouldn't be like this. We are who we are and the truth is that other people aren't viewing us the way we are. They aren't looking at the flaws we want to change so badly. We are our own worst critic and we seem to be getting harder on ourselves as the years continue on.

I don't know how to make it better... it just really made me sad. So, moms and dads of little girls-make sure she knows she's beautiful. And here's to you parent's of girls! I don't know how you do it. Little girls are so much more fragile than boys and I just don't know if I could be strong enough to have a girl one day!

Sharing the Sunshine.

I know my latest blogs have been downers, so i wanted to stop for a second and share someone that really makes me happy.

<------ it's that guy right over there!

Peter and i have had our ups and downs during the past four years, like major ups and downs...but for some reason we just can't seem to stay away from eachother! and that is totally fine with me.

having peter is maryland was really hard at first. i think the fact that i feel like i have two lives made me push him away during the first part of our trip. the maryland situation is really hard for me. i just don't know how to find a happy place between having my life here and having so much of my life there. but after a couple of days things got a lot better. i loved that he was there with my family. my family adores him and would do anything for him. so would i.

so, i want so badly for us to end up there one day. like one day when we have babies :] this of course is a very touchy subject between us. it's just that i want my kids to have what emerick has. he has my parents. he has an amazing play room. he has family. i want my kids to grow up close to their cousins like my sister and i did.

i know this is hard for peter because his family is here....but his brother and sister don't have kids and probably won't for some time...so isn't it only fair? i don't want to be selfish but i just can't imagine giving this up. we are both so close to my family so in my head it just seems right...

i know im getting ahead of myself..i mean we need to get married first!

Transitions.

I miss that little man that holds my hand. :/

TRANSITIONS:

I hate that word. To me, transitions=let downs. i had such a wonderful time with my family and peter in maryland. seriously, one of the best visits yet. so coming back home is always such a let down. it is so hard for me to go back and forth because it is always like this when i get back. i get really depressed. i don't want to do anything. i just cry.

part of why it is so hard for me when i get back is because i just don't feel like i am fully living up to who i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. it doesn't seem like i will ever find the right job/career. i feel so useless and i hate the fact that i am a college grad with a front desk job. don't get me wrong, i do like my job but i just want to be doing so much more. and it doesn't seem like i can ever find that job that truly makes me happy. actually it just doesn't seem like i can find anything that makes me happy.

i wish i could be blogging about happier things...it's just so hard when the bad out weighs the good.

i just want to find that perfect job.

i want to stop crying all the time.

i want to be content with who i am and where i am.

i just want to be happy.

me, myself, and i.

i am seriously my own worst nightmare. i can never seem to be happy. it seems like every other day i feel differently about my life. it really sucks and i know it not only affects me but it also affects those closest to me. i feel like i need constant change but at the same time, change totally freaks me out. i used to HATE being alone, and now it's all i want to do. i am trying so hard to be happy but i am really just uneasy about a lot of things right now. everything actually.

going back and forth between California and Maryland has been really hard on me the last two years and i thought that maybe if i only came to visit every 6 months it would be easier...but it's not. my heart hurts. i feel alone, even though i am surrounded by people that love me. i guess it just feels like something is missing. will i ever be happy? or will i just always need something more?

i guess im just the most difficult person on the planet. and that sucks! how can i be happy with everything else in my life if im not fully happy with myself?

the o.c.d. project-

this isn't a topic i usually like to talk about, but lately i've been trying to fight some inner demons that try so desperately to take hold of me. i have o.c.d. i've had it since i was a little girl and i will have it forever. the only difference from when i was little compared to now is that i am in charge. growing up was really hard. every night my mom and i would have to go into the living room where it was quiet and she would have to help me relax. by doing so she would walk me through relaxation techniques. she would start at the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. it was as if she was literally pulling all of the bad out of my body. anxiety. i could feel it spilling out of my fingertips. she had to do it just right, otherwise it was repeat. repeat. repeat. everything in life seemed to just repeat.

everything had to be perfect, and i mean perfect. words needed to be said a certain number of times, the blankets on my bed had to lay just right. i would wake my mom up in the middle of the night if they weren't...she would come in and fix them.

touching objects was obsessive. the right amount of times. the right movements. everything took so much longer than normal.

the worst part was, and still is the anxiety attacks. i disappear in them. they are hard to explain. they are heavy, frustrating, tiring, an inner battle that can scare someone looking at me from the outside. they make me forget how to breathe.

a lot of my childhood has become faded in my mind because the o.c.d. took so much out of me. i am so much more in touch with my past now that i am older and can look back on it. it's hard to think about and it's even harder to deal with on a daily basis. i am in no way the same as i was when i was little but i would be lying if i said i didn't still deal with this issue.

so lately i have been trying to watch "the o.c.d. project" on tv. this is really hard for me to watch because i get really anxious, fidgety, emotional, and really upset. in the past i would get anxiety attacks just trying to watch even 5 mins. it is getting a lot easier to watch now and i am slowly trying to watch more and more. in a way this is like therapy for me. little by little, i am overcoming a fear i never thought i could beat. i am learning and becoming able to look o.c.d. in the face.

i have really blessed to have an amazing family, great friends, and the world's best boyfriend to help me through all of this. i couldn't have made it through my childhood without my mom and peter is one of the biggest rocks i have in life. he has experienced so much of this with me and always remains calm and never forgets to tell me to breathe.

o.c.d. isn't a lifestyle, it isn't in charge, it is an illness. the cure begins on the inside...from the inside, out.

And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall

And the answer that you're seeking
For the question that you found
Drives you further to confusion
As you lose your sense of ground

So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe

Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe

Oh, hello.

Well, I have decided to start a blog. I realized I love checking out other peoples' blogs ... so why not start my own? Plus I figured it would be a great outlet for pictures, creations, and just being able to write somewhere.

I have been feeling super "artsy" lately and have been building on tons of ideas of things to make. I want to learn how to sew and so much more. I'm definitely wishing my mom would have bought me that amazing hello kitty sewing machine for christmas. but, ya win some and ya loose some. I guess I will just have to learn the old fashion way.

I do know I will be re-inventing a hoodie, decorating numerous things, and making some fabulous hair accessories.... or so I hope.

In addition to those plans...I have been spending way too much time googling things for the type of wedding I want to have. Ridiculous, I know...but you have no idea how amazing it is going to be! He even agrees as well. :] But no, I'm not engaged...yet.