this isn't a topic i usually like to talk about, but lately i've been trying to fight some inner demons that try so desperately to take hold of me. i have o.c.d. i've had it since i was a little girl and i will have it forever. the only difference from when i was little compared to now is that i am in charge. growing up was really hard. every night my mom and i would have to go into the living room where it was quiet and she would have to help me relax. by doing so she would walk me through relaxation techniques. she would start at the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. it was as if she was literally pulling all of the bad out of my body. anxiety. i could feel it spilling out of my fingertips. she had to do it just right, otherwise it was repeat. repeat. repeat. everything in life seemed to just repeat.
everything had to be perfect, and i mean perfect. words needed to be said a certain number of times, the blankets on my bed had to lay just right. i would wake my mom up in the middle of the night if they weren't...she would come in and fix them.
touching objects was obsessive. the right amount of times. the right movements. everything took so much longer than normal.
the worst part was, and still is the anxiety attacks. i disappear in them. they are hard to explain. they are heavy, frustrating, tiring, an inner battle that can scare someone looking at me from the outside. they make me forget how to breathe.
a lot of my childhood has become faded in my mind because the o.c.d. took so much out of me. i am so much more in touch with my past now that i am older and can look back on it. it's hard to think about and it's even harder to deal with on a daily basis. i am in no way the same as i was when i was little but i would be lying if i said i didn't still deal with this issue.
so lately i have been trying to watch "the o.c.d. project" on tv. this is really hard for me to watch because i get really anxious, fidgety, emotional, and really upset. in the past i would get anxiety attacks just trying to watch even 5 mins. it is getting a lot easier to watch now and i am slowly trying to watch more and more. in a way this is like therapy for me. little by little, i am overcoming a fear i never thought i could beat. i am learning and becoming able to look o.c.d. in the face.
i have really blessed to have an amazing family, great friends, and the world's best boyfriend to help me through all of this. i couldn't have made it through my childhood without my mom and peter is one of the biggest rocks i have in life. he has experienced so much of this with me and always remains calm and never forgets to tell me to breathe.
o.c.d. isn't a lifestyle, it isn't in charge, it is an illness. the cure begins on the inside...from the inside, out.