Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sharing the Sunshine.

I know my latest blogs have been downers, so i wanted to stop for a second and share someone that really makes me happy.

<------ it's that guy right over there!

Peter and i have had our ups and downs during the past four years, like major ups and downs...but for some reason we just can't seem to stay away from eachother! and that is totally fine with me.

having peter is maryland was really hard at first. i think the fact that i feel like i have two lives made me push him away during the first part of our trip. the maryland situation is really hard for me. i just don't know how to find a happy place between having my life here and having so much of my life there. but after a couple of days things got a lot better. i loved that he was there with my family. my family adores him and would do anything for him. so would i.

so, i want so badly for us to end up there one day. like one day when we have babies :] this of course is a very touchy subject between us. it's just that i want my kids to have what emerick has. he has my parents. he has an amazing play room. he has family. i want my kids to grow up close to their cousins like my sister and i did.

i know this is hard for peter because his family is here....but his brother and sister don't have kids and probably won't for some isn't it only fair? i don't want to be selfish but i just can't imagine giving this up. we are both so close to my family so in my head it just seems right...

i know im getting ahead of myself..i mean we need to get married first!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I miss that little man that holds my hand. :/


I hate that word. To me, transitions=let downs. i had such a wonderful time with my family and peter in maryland. seriously, one of the best visits yet. so coming back home is always such a let down. it is so hard for me to go back and forth because it is always like this when i get back. i get really depressed. i don't want to do anything. i just cry.

part of why it is so hard for me when i get back is because i just don't feel like i am fully living up to who i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. it doesn't seem like i will ever find the right job/career. i feel so useless and i hate the fact that i am a college grad with a front desk job. don't get me wrong, i do like my job but i just want to be doing so much more. and it doesn't seem like i can ever find that job that truly makes me happy. actually it just doesn't seem like i can find anything that makes me happy.

i wish i could be blogging about happier's just so hard when the bad out weighs the good.

i just want to find that perfect job.
i want to stop crying all the time.
i want to be content with who i am and where i am.

i just want to be happy.

Friday, July 16, 2010

me, myself, and i.

i am seriously my own worst nightmare. i can never seem to be happy. it seems like every other day i feel differently about my life. it really sucks and i know it not only affects me but it also affects those closest to me. i feel like i need constant change but at the same time, change totally freaks me out. i used to HATE being alone, and now it's all i want to do. i am trying so hard to be happy but i am really just uneasy about a lot of things right now. everything actually.

going back and forth between California and Maryland has been really hard on me the last two years and i thought that maybe if i only came to visit every 6 months it would be easier...but it's not. my heart hurts. i feel alone, even though i am surrounded by people that love me. i guess it just feels like something is missing. will i ever be happy? or will i just always need something more?

i guess im just the most difficult person on the planet. and that sucks! how can i be happy with everything else in my life if im not fully happy with myself?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

the o.c.d. project-

this isn't a topic i usually like to talk about, but lately i've been trying to fight some inner demons that try so desperately to take hold of me. i have o.c.d. i've had it since i was a little girl and i will have it forever. the only difference from when i was little compared to now is that i am in charge. growing up was really hard. every night my mom and i would have to go into the living room where it was quiet and she would have to help me relax. by doing so she would walk me through relaxation techniques. she would start at the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. it was as if she was literally pulling all of the bad out of my body. anxiety. i could feel it spilling out of my fingertips. she had to do it just right, otherwise it was repeat. repeat. repeat. everything in life seemed to just repeat.

everything had to be perfect, and i mean perfect. words needed to be said a certain number of times, the blankets on my bed had to lay just right. i would wake my mom up in the middle of the night if they weren't...she would come in and fix them.

touching objects was obsessive. the right amount of times. the right movements. everything took so much longer than normal.

the worst part was, and still is the anxiety attacks. i disappear in them. they are hard to explain. they are heavy, frustrating, tiring, an inner battle that can scare someone looking at me from the outside. they make me forget how to breathe.

a lot of my childhood has become faded in my mind because the o.c.d. took so much out of me. i am so much more in touch with my past now that i am older and can look back on it. it's hard to think about and it's even harder to deal with on a daily basis. i am in no way the same as i was when i was little but i would be lying if i said i didn't still deal with this issue.

so lately i have been trying to watch "the o.c.d. project" on tv. this is really hard for me to watch because i get really anxious, fidgety, emotional, and really upset. in the past i would get anxiety attacks just trying to watch even 5 mins. it is getting a lot easier to watch now and i am slowly trying to watch more and more. in a way this is like therapy for me. little by little, i am overcoming a fear i never thought i could beat. i am learning and becoming able to look o.c.d. in the face.

i have really blessed to have an amazing family, great friends, and the world's best boyfriend to help me through all of this. i couldn't have made it through my childhood without my mom and peter is one of the biggest rocks i have in life. he has experienced so much of this with me and always remains calm and never forgets to tell me to breathe.

o.c.d. isn't a lifestyle, it isn't in charge, it is an illness. the cure begins on the inside...from the inside, out.

And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall

And the answer that you're seeking
For the question that you found
Drives you further to confusion
As you lose your sense of ground

So don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So don't forget to breathe

Keep your head above water
But don't forget to breathe