Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Digging deep really hurts.

It feels like thorns pressing into my chest. it's so heavy all i want to do is cry.
what is it?
it's me.
it's everything i don't like about myself. it's everything i compare myself to. it's my desire to be someone else.

it's body image.

I wish so badly that i could be happy with the girl God created me to be, that i would be able to love and accept the body he placed me in. but i can't. i'm reading a really great book right now for my girls bible study and though it is a very good, though provoking book, i am having a hard time turning the pages. the chapter i'm on gets in to the deeper stuff, the body image stuff. it feels like i need support to lift my hand up just to turn the page. that's how hard it is for me to face these deep rooted issues.

on a daily basis i don't think too much about the fact that i really do deal with this stuff. i know that 24/7 my mind is constantly comparing myself to any girl around me but rarely do i ever really stop and "think" about it all. i don't think about it for a reason. it really hurts.

after each section in the book the author asks the reader to thank God for certain things, or pray to him about a specific subject. she said; "thank God for the person he created you to be." i set the book down, closed my eyes, and i couldn't. i just couldn't thank him. how can you thank someone for something you don't like?

i feel so sick, so disgusted after reading this chapter. maybe it's because this is all to serious for me, to painful. though i want to be happy with myself, it truly kills me to try and get better. it all just makes me so sick to my stomach. i'm really at a loss for words or where to even begin to come to an okay place with myself.