Until today I had not really been feeling too close to God. Actually, very distant would be more like it. I have just been feeling closed of to that part of my life, not feeling his presence, not investing time into His word and learning more about it. Just plane far away. Today I felt God like I was feeling Him for the first time. He was there, He was in that place. He was holding me while I cried, praising Him with one arm straight up in the air. He was sitting next to me, while I was sitting in an aisle alone. Their is something about going to church by yourself that makes it so intimate. No one else was there, I was the only one in the crowd. At least that is what it felt like. This was a good thing...just me and God.
Recently I have been dealing with something that I wish I wasn't, I know we all struggle with insecurities and hardships and when we do, some of us pray to God to forgive us, make us new again..etc etc etc. But that doesn't always seem to help because even if we believe that God forgives us, we don't forgive ourselves. Well, I don't anyways. And then the worst part is that we might go and mess up again, that's the ugly in being human. We don't seem to learn the first time. But this morning, God held me so close and I forgave myself. He let me know it was okay, I will be okay.
His presence was so strong today it was almost unreal. I had chills during each song of worship and during that final song, Amazing Grace..I just lost it. But that was beautiful. I was not afraid to let my feelings show. I was standing there, tears and all worshiping Him. And He was with me the entire time.
Walking out after worship to go help with Sunday School, a man at the end of an aisle stopped me. He touched my arm and asked me if I was okay. I told him yes..ha, like he believed me, I had tears streaming down my face! But that was the truth, I was okay. He followed me out and asked if he could pray for me. A man I don't even know, maybe I met him in passing one time or another, but other than that, a complete stranger. When he prayed for me he called me his sister and I felt safe. The simple embrace of someone's touch and prayer let me know that I was not alone. For that, I thanked him.
It never seizes to amaze me how some people can be so kind, so quick to help, so obedient to God. Lord, help me to be more obedient to you, more willing to reach out to others.
Today showed me how much I have truly missed God. How much I have been pushing Him away and doing my own thing. That isn't me, I want to walk with Him. I am forever grateful that no matter what I do, at the end of the day, He still loves me and thinks I am perfect. He never leaves, so why should I? Today, I was reminded that I have been forgiven, the chains that bind me have been broken. I am free. I am new again, each and everyday. God, I want to be more like you, I want to please you and make you proud.